Wednesday, January 8, 2014

"You will know that forgiveness has begun....

when you recall those who hurt you and feel the power to wish them well". (Lewis B. Smedes).

I have a plan. An idea. An idea for a plan? It isn’t original and it may not work so perhaps I should say I have an experiment to conduct. Yes, that’s much better: the Pixie Kind Thoughts Experiment.

I was going to go into a long background story but I don’t need extra grief at the office if it gets around. Suffice it to say that I am stuck where I am (for now: going back to school is part of the change THAT plan) at the level that I am at with no possible chance for advancement due to one person. No, not me. Duh.

I’ve had a couple of weeks of frequent headaches, and consequently spent a lot of time in bed, in the dark, thinking dark things. Making up devious plans of revenge. Plotting complex machinations that would result in my moving up and my adversary falling in a spectacular way.

I’ve never been good at being angry: too lazy, I think. Who has the energy to keep a temper going for so long? But apparently I do like lying awake at night dreaming up Machiavellian revenge stories. And this can’t be good. It really can’t. So I’m going to change that.

I’m going to start wishing good things to happen to she-who-blocks-my-way. I am going to send positive thoughts her way, and wish her well. I have no idea and no actual interest in whether or not this does anything for her. What I am hoping is that it does things for me. Not some magical “if you want it and wish for it, it WILL happen” things, just…less anger. Less plotting at night. And maybe, just maybe, if I do this – even if I am doing it as part of an experiment, not because I really want her life to be great – she will no longer bother me.

She’ll likely still be blocking my way, but it won’t impact me, or where I’m going with my life or my view of who I am. Maybe I’ll even reach the point of being genuinely happy for her when things do go well for her. Maybe not, but it will be a little less poison in my mind and a little